We don't plan on making it out alive.

Fuck.

Please, just be.

Happiness is a figment of your imagination.
Run with it.

She's a looker.

Take me back to a place where no harm was done, except to our livers and lungs. A time when all that mattered was sunshine and eskimo kisses. We spent our money on fun and cancer. Every beautiful day turned into a amazing night. These nights I for one, will never forget. Nights we spent watching movies after being so drunk we could hardly stand. We kept each other in line, we kept each other happy. No one could have seen it coming...
Not for a second. There was no logical reason for anything that happened. Friendships were formed and broken. But for some time, some place, we were all happy.

blah.

I dont know why this happens.
I am pretty sure its KARMA!!! There is really no other reason for it. Nothing logical anyways. Shit, i must have really fucked up in my past.
Things are better than they have been in a while with my home life.
My parents get along with eachother, as well as with me.
But out side of that, things have gone to shit.
blah.

I will be shut down.

I am going to regret this.

I am fucked up in more ways than one.
I do not know what i am going to do with my life.
I hate school so much it is scary. Though, I would never drop out.
I feel like I am not really complete. Like there is something missing.
I have done this to myself. There are no excuses for what i have put myself through.
I simply care too much, I am too hopeful in times when there is no hope to be seen.
I have put up with shit that any other girl would never put up with.
I have loved.
I have been fucked over so many times, i have lost count.
I do not deserve this.
I am happy now. Though, i wish things would be a little different right now.

damn

I am behind in my school work.
This is not good.

I need to do something.
Quick.

curiousity killed the cat.

I got some news Saturday night. I didn't know what to think. My thoughts were jumbled and too mixed to sort. I could do nothing but cry. I mean in a way i felt better about my self, but the hurt and confusion quickly took over that feeling. I am still really confused about it. Im a little pissed off too. I just can't seem to understand why... How could someone keep something like this from someone that they care about. I could never do it.

Camp isn't the same.

Summer is gone.
For good it seems.

Everything is different now.
Nothing stayed the same.

For the better it may be.
Only time will tell.

Im alot better in many ways.

I've gotten over my illness,
and i've gotten over all of the bull shit.

I have found something that i love.
It scares me.
I fear this is going to get out of hand.

Oh well.
Im having fun.
Thats all i have been caring about lately.

Hold me too tight.

Now i cant breathe.
This is going to be too much.
All those tears.

I'll just wait for your call.
I don't stand a chance.
No one does anymore.
We're all fucked.

The thought that its worth it keeps me going.
I know deep in my heart its not worth it.
But we'll keep trying.
It scares me.

Now we're hear.
Nothings going to get better, baby.
We're all fucked.

You look so great.

Today was so much fun.
Liz, Jordan, and I had such a ridiculous time at Fazolies. haha it was too much!!
we made a whole story with characters and everything.
All of this was done with spaghetti, salt, pepper, and a smoothie thingy. Maybe some straw paper here and there. Wow did it get out of hand. haha
You would have had to be there. I thought i was going to loose my mind it was so damn funny. BAW, Tyler, and Anthony thought we were high. Man, we are something else.

On another note.
Today at the park Jordan, Liz, and I were talking... Jordan and I began to get a little bit upset. Shit just started to get to us.
But of course Liz had the right thing to say to us to make everything better.
I don't know why we got upset. It wasn't for a specific reason. It just happened.
Fuck all that. haha its all good now though.
I'm good.

Untitled

Im interested in how this is all going to play out...
New adventures are always fun, but this is a different situation then i have ever been in before. So far so good.
But it's still very earlie in the game.
There are still alot unanswered questions and what not,
but we will cross that bridge when we get there i guess.

He taste like you, only sweeter.

Blah, Blah, Blah,
Bitch, Bitch, Bitch.

I really feel like spilling everything!
but.
everything i am feeling can be summed up into just a few lines.
A few measly sentences.
Im sure this is going to pass,
and ill just move along to the next boy.
But i need to let you know just how i feel.

Hold my hand and tell me everything is okay.
Let me be your everything.
kiss me on the cheek, i love that.
Tell me you care. And mean it.
Be my everything.
Being alone scares me, you know that.
Let me make you happy.

Im content with my life right now.
and how everything is going...
but i wouldnt mind a few changes.
im happy.
but its a diferent story when im with you.

i'm just a soul who's intentions are good...

today was a good day...
i've been having fun.
and i like it. =)

Sunshine,

You make me

smile

What a beautiful mess.

I'm so happy =)
i love exactly where I'm at right now.
Everything has been going so well.
I love to know that i have made someone happy, i made someone smile.
I wish you lived closer to me. Because 5 hrs is one hell of a drive.
Anyways. back to me being happy =)
Its incredible to me how everything works out.
One min your pissed off and depressed or whatever, and the next min the sun comes out and your the happiest you have been in a while.
My mother and i have gotten a lot closer, as well as me and my dad.
(we plan to go golfing soon)
I have hung out with old friends, and talked to people i haven't seen in years.
Why the sudden change you ask?
I don't know, maybe its something in the water.
ha ha I just feel a lot more caring. my heart grew a tad bit =)
I realized that there are people around you that truely care.
And then again there are people out there that dont mean shit,
and will do anything to bring you down.
fuck those people.
the only people in your life that matter are the ones that really care.
I love being happy...
Everyone should try it.

SHAWN,

You, you my friend are a piece of shit.

you may go somewhere in your life but that's it. You will never know what its like to be respected or to be truly loved. You are the biggest ass hole i have ever met in my life. You treat everyone around you as if they were supposed to be there, like they have to be your friend. You will die alone you son of a bitch. Have fun finding someone who you are compatible with. Its going to be one hell of a job. You act like your above everyone. But to me your as low as they come. I wanted to just leave it as it was and never talk to you again. But no, you just cant keep your fucking comments to your self.

So fuck you.

Stay out of my life,

and my business.



PS: I lied when i said i liked your MANroe.

It looks fucking ridiculous.

This town is too small now.

This Ones For You Guys

I just said some super good shit, and was persuaded to write a blog.

First of all i want to say that YOU Liz, have the biggest heart for the smallest person i have ever encountered. You have been through a lot in 15 yrs and you are such a strong person for it. I'm so glad that we have gotten close. There are a few boys that we can thank for helping that along :P You my friend will be a great success someday. Your talented as fuck and you will go far. We have had a lot of fun together on our road trips and hanging out with the boys.

this friendship can only grow from here:)

J-Stid, muh main nigga! we have grown to be best friends in a matter of one crazy ass summer and a few ex boyfriends :) I thank them for the friendship that we have now. We basically have the same mind set haha. Our way of thinking is so similar its scary. i love hangin wit cha because we like all of the same things. haha. And never again will i go to Muncie sober. haha nothing good ever happens. We have had too many good times together, as well as a few bad times.

You have been there for me, and i have been there for you.

This isn't going to change.

Ruby <3

everyone loves Rudy! haha

But he has been there for me through quite a bit of shit.

And i have tried my best to be there for him also. I wish i had my license back so that i could drive this niggah to converse everyday, just so he can see his girl. Rudy kept me up for three hours while i drove back to Marion from Springfield Ohio at three in the morning haha.

Everyone else was asleep, and we had a mini dance party in the front half of the car :)

i luh this dude. He is a good person, and he is super talented.

Do work baby boy :)

We are too much for this little town.

One day we will do somthing great,

we will pave our own roads out.

Nice shirt, bitch.

Im trying hard to not give a fuck.
I think its going well.

chew it well.

I admit, i dont know what i want...
But i have a damn good idea.

B is for Bittersweet

Yesterday (sep. 3rd) would have been 4 months for you and i.
That seems like such a short time. But not much time is needed... Im happy to say that i am content with the relationship that we have now, and after all this im glad that i can call you a friend. You can be a dick, but in actuality your a beautiful person, and you will go far.
I hope your happy with how everything has turned out.

Dropping im sorry like your still around...

I'm confused,
i don't know what the hell i want,
i cant judge what the right thing is,
i cant make decisions on my own.
i am the most indecisive person you will ever meet.
but i am who i am.

And on another note.
I will NOT change for you,
I will NOT put up with anymore bull shit,
I will NOT put myself through this again.

this is it, this is the end.

I would have started on this last night but i was sooooooooooo fucking tired. I drove to springfield ohio yesterday at 5 something. And ended driving back at like 1 in the morning... It was hell... the show was worth it, and we could have stayed in sringfield but i figured, what the hell, lets go home. Rudy is making breakfast right now and its going to be super good :) haha i love that nigga. The road to Springfield was fun... I love road trips. It was a much needed get away from this place. Although coming home felt really really good :)

I am running out of words to say to you.

fuck it :)

Take a breath and let the rest come easy.

So im pretty drunk right now, and i think now is a good time to write a blog :)
Tonight was such a good night. I had a ton of fun with some really cool people... We took tons of pictures, and had a great time. the show was really good too haha. So last night someone made me realize that i was a pathetic piece of shit. i also realized that i wass in fact a rebound, and that its not worth what i have been putting myself through. i have decided that this is all worthless. And none of it ever mattered anyways... ITS ALL BULL SHIT BAHAHAH.

Cut ties with all the lies.

Yesterday was a good day... Even though I missed yoga I had a lot of fun at the show, the boys did very well :) I was really really happy to see that the level of awkwardness had shrank down to nearly nothing. (at least for me it has haha) I woke up this morning to a refreshing message on myspace. I just wish we could have became friends under better conditions. haha Because this way was not the most efficient or least painful. But slowly things are getting better. It just takes time, and no one said it would be easy.

So maybe it will take a while.

I have been home sick all day from school, so i have had plenty of time to think about things.
I think that i need to get away from this terrible place, i think that i deserve better. I also think that i need to stop... I need to stop caring so much, and stop being so god damn forgiving. By nature i fall too hard too fast. This has shown to be one of my worst flaws. Another one of my flaws is that i tend to hurt the people around me that care the most. I see examples of this everyday. It kills me to see what I'm doing, but no matter how hard i try it is impossible to make everyone happy. I have a hard enough time trying to keep myself happy. It has turned out to be a really hard thing to do. But as long as i keep myself busy, my mind doesn't wonder. And when my mind doesn't wonder i do alright. Band practice has shown to be the work of the devil.

As much as i don't want to be there, i feel for some reason that i should be there. I know that Shawn appreciates it when I'm there. And plus i enjoy spending time with my friends, and supporting AWY.

So maybe it will take a while before im actualy okay. But thats normal...

Hello Tomorow

Yesterday Shawn and i attended our first yoga class.

The lesson was a very eye opening experience. For the first time i felt my energy concentrated in the core of my body, and it was amazing. During one of the breathing exercises, as i lay there on my mat, i felt every stress, worry, concern and uncertainty melt away through my fingertips. Although the feeling was temporary, i hope after more and more lessons i can learn to live everyday care free and aligned.

i look forward to our next class.